Insight To Chaos

As of yet, we do not know each other. But, I look forward to meeting you. In fact, I’ve been looking forward to it for some time now. You see, you are the man that i will love for the rest of my life. Does this scare you? It should. It does me. See, I’ve been holding back, keeping it all in, saving all that is in the true depth of my soul for you.
I was hurt before – badly – a long time ago. So bad in fact, I grew afraid of what it meant to love – all that it takes out of the soul. Life plays dirty little tricks on you – bites you hard. All of this could play a major role in why we haven’t met yet. I am very aware of just how much I have closed myself off to the world. I would like to tell you that I’m not like that anymore, but I can’t. Alas, I am still afraid. No longer for how much I am capable of loving you, but rather of not loving you. I fear your void more than the anticipation of your presence.
Tomorrow, I will be 24. In these last few days, your absence has become vividly clear to me. I am afraid , my dearest, that I have struggled too long to be ready to open up for you. It is all the more frightening that you may not have waited for me. But, in my heart, I know this isn’t true. See, in all of this, what has kept me going is the honest belief that you do exist – and that we will one day meet.
I stand here on the eve of being another year older feeling ready to try. To meet you and to love you, and to let you love me. I won’t lie, I might struggle some. But, you are strong enough to see through my game. You will smile and take me in your arms and tell me that it’s alright. And, because I do love you so deeply, so purely, I will believe you and finally – with every fiber of my being – let go…