Insight To Chaos

“What we are does not change, but who we are never stops changing.”

William Peterson said that on CSI last year, and like most profound adages said on popular television dramas, it has stuck with me. One more in an encyclopedia of clichés and idioms and musings banked and ready to reiterate when my own words escape me.

It’s true though. We really are always changing – adapting and evolving regardless of conscious thought. Funny then how the insurgence of active thinking can affect everything. Perhaps that may be where doubt resides, functioning as the messy roommate to logic. But, I suppose like with anything else, one cannot exist without the other to balance it.

Most often, when I tell people that I’m an actress, they ask me how I get over my nerves when I’m on stage. My answer is always the same: I don’t. My anxiety is pretty fierce too, sometimes so much so that my entire body will shake. The best I can do is try to use it. I always think of that moment right before I go on stage: I’m so consumed with what is about to happen, down to every little detail and wanting to ensure a flawless performance; to take the rehearsed and the unexpected and balance them effortlessly. Then, it’s time. I take a deep breath and exhale a very quiet, “ready or not, here I come,” and next thing I know I’m on stage doing it. Most times I don’t even realize how nervous I was until I’m about to fall asleep, so many hours after the show.

A bit of a trite example perhaps, but it helps me remember that I actually can do the big, nerve shaking stuff…when I’m not so enthralled with whether or not I can do big, nerve shaking stuff. Sometimes, I really don’t like that…deciding the big, nerve shaking stuff. Rather, I dislike the responsibility to myself to choose what is right for me when the answer isn’t already crystal clear. Doubt sets in and my list of pros and cons becomes a list of all that I would be gaining and losing, but mostly what I would be losing. Somehow I lose sight of the fact that I know anything and everything can always be worked out, providing my willingness to do so. I become paralyzed with indecision. Most times, it ultimately works out just fine. Sometimes, things get tabled pending further information. But, that mean time, that limbo I put myself through…that may very well be my own personal pet peeve.

I wholeheartedly believe in timing. Allowing the universe to help you along your way without ever losing sight of your own responsibility to choose – actively living with purpose while allowing for the unknown. I suppose most people call that “taking chances,” go figure. But I think timing plays a bigger factor. Wanting plus patience and endurance will eventually allow for circumstance and opportunity to line up favorably.

This year started out with huge re-evaluations for me. Long overdue decisions that finally became all too clear. Even still, shifting my list of priorities left me in a bit of a limbo for a while. Not too long though. Still, this year has felt somewhat sprinkled with indolence that may finally be waning. I’ve decided, among so many other things, to look for a new job. This might not otherwise seem so big if the abundance of factors weren’t quite so distinguished. That list of unknowns that I would be gaining from a new job is rather hard to compare to the comfort (and discomfort) I already know I have. It’s time though, it’s been time for while. As it happens, just this week I found what may be exactly the kind of work I have been hoping to find for a very long time and all I can think is that I would be a damn fool if I didn’t take the chance. The words “ready or not…” just keep ringing in my ears.