Insight To Chaos

it’s funny what late nights do to me. Well, those of you who know me might think it’s funny simply because you know me. I only find it mildly humorous. Right now I’m restless, tired, anxious, a bit sad, lonely, excited, apprehensive. The list grows and shrinks as I sit here at my desk listening to my refrigerator run. I hate and love that sound. I hate it because it’s, well, annoying. I love it becuase i just truly admire the fact that it is 30+ years old and it’s still working. To me, the sound its making is a tribute to its fight to continue functioning. But then again, I could just be over thinking the matter.
My mind won’t quit lately. No really, it’s pretty non stop. Even my dreams are sprinkled with conscious thought. And when I’m not integrating a list of daily reminders into my REM state, I’m having continuous dreams of forboding. I’ve dreamt of betrayal 5 times in this last week. If you know me, you’ll likely roll your eyes. If you don’t know me, I typically have elaborate dreams and it’s very common for me to remember them. Betrayal – that was the theme for this last weeks dreams. I think if I had to name my biggest fear and my worst personality trait, it would be that. I have a constant fear of being betrayed. Consequently, I spend my days convinced that this will be the day the proverbial other shoe drops, and it will drop right on top of my head.
I’m not always like this. A friend asked me why I’m depressed the other night. I told him 10 times that I’m not. I think I lied a little bit. I don’t know that what this is is depression. No. I do know that what this is is not depression. I’ve hit a snag. I’m down, sometimes irrationally so. This hole it’s not so big. I hate admitting it and I’m slightly embarassed to write about it. Embarassement obviously never did stay very long with me because here I am writing all this crap anyway. Someone once told me that writing things down would help get whatever’s going on out of my system. I guess it does a bit. I need to do something…