Okay, first of all, who the fuck let that depressing bitch in here?! Okay. So anyways…Here I sit. At work. I have very little in my inbasket and it’s 4pm. Do you think I’m going to empty that basket today? HELL NO! Besides, it’ll give me something to do tomorrow. It’s basically been this way for the last 3 hours. I have been playing on my computer. Since that got boring, I decided to start mimicking my mother, who sits right across from me. See, she’s putting together this week’s billing. She has a procedure. Top copy from one stack, top copy from other stack, staple, set neatly to the right. Top copy from one stack, top copy from the other, staple, set neatly to the left. Business has been pretty good so this takes a while. Here’s the catch. Mom uses a handheld, 20 year old stapler that tends to jam up oh about every other staple. So right before she staples and invoice to its corresponding service order, i get to hear a very loud, very abrupt WHAM! on her desk just two feet away. This sufficiently un-jams the stapler…until the next time she needs to staple. Alas, my day of covert and quiet internet play is interupted. What do I do to calm my nerves? Something only i would do. Smoke? Na, too easy. Shit my pants? Please. I don’t scare THAT easily. No. What I do is take my own stapler and continue to bang it against my desk right about the time she “fixes” hers. This provides a loud…heh, and uneven, sound that could and probably would annoy even a two year old (trust me, i’ve tried). Do I get a laugh? No. Do I get a “STOP!”? No. An understanding “I get the point,” look maybe? No. Mom looks up just long enough to give me THAT look. You know, the one only a mother can give. It’s the – Stop, and Ahh, You’re Cute, and Okay, Cute but Annoying, and finally (and this is a MY mom exclusive) If You Have Enough Energy To Mock Me, Then You Have Enough Energy To Work – look. Man I love this. Energy is God’s gift to the devious soul. I shall save mine for later so as not to waste it all in this office I call hell…
1 Comment » to “Mom needs a new stapler…”
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You could always get her one of the famous red staplers from Swingline. They didn’t make them until Office Space created the demand. They’re sold on a bunch of nerd sites.