Insight To Chaos

A lot has happened in the past few months. Nothing major, but nothing minor. It’s all been fun. I’m enjoying life very much right now. Traveling, working, exploring, and crushing like a teenager again. That last one has thrown me through a bit of a loop, but whatever. I still feel like I’m, most times, standing still. But, I am the only one in control of why my feet don’t move forward. I can deal with it and I will…soon. I’m getting there, just at a much slower pace than I once imagined. I think I got hit on by a guy earlier with the weirdest lines. Which is why I say I THINK I got hit on. He tells me that I look like Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. I never watched the show, but apparently she was the pure and innocent one. So, okay, thanks. Then he asks how old I am and when I tell him, he is aghast at the idea that I’m not older than him (31). What The Fuck?!?!? I’m turning another year older in a month and I’m going through my yearly review of what I would have liked to accomplished and what I have accomplished and dealing with random feelings of being/feeling/looking/whatever older. But Fuck! That wasn’t cool. I’m smiting his karma as I type, the bastard. I’m feeling a little blank right now. Not sad, not mad, not anything. This is weird because on any given day recently, my thoughts have been riddled with how to deal with all the shit that comes with life. I like somebody who I shouldn’t like, if for nothing else than for my own emotional safety. I like him anyway. This crush makes me feel like an insecure teenager again and I don’t like that. I don’t like how hard things seems to be. But I don’t know, I could just be my usual overthinking, impatient self. I just don’t like being unsure of myself and liking somebody like this does that to me. I thought I had learned by now, but I guess not. Now I’m rambling. My eyes won’t completely focus on the screen, which tells me it’s time to stop. My august resolution is to write on here more. Then again, it was my june and july resolution, so we’ll see. It’s weird writing like this and publishing it because I have no idea who reads this – if anybody reads this. Now I’m lonely. That’s great. I’m just gonna go PMS myself to bed before I find another mood altering emotion to run rampant through me. Good night to me, to you – whoever you are…