Yeah, I think that’s a good pace for now. I’ve made my list of things I would like to accomplish in the coming months. A lot of simple around-the-house stuff, but also a couple of bigger things – goals broken down into steps so they don’t seem so overwhelming. I am acutely determined, which is great considering my substantial lack of motivation over the last few months. Even my couch is tired of me just sitting there. So I figure it’s time to figure something out and get moving at whatever pace necessary. It’s funny too because it’s turned into a kind of disgruntled ambition to just keep moving – imagine repeating all the uplifting mantras, but through gritted teeth. I enjoy it, my own self-deprecating way of keeping myself entertained and moving forward. Crawling is good, I’m considering it an exercise in concentration and patience.
I have something to prove…to myself.
Yesterday marked 4 years of not smoking. Crazy. Enough time has passed now that sometimes it seems like it was more of a dream. That is until that heavy feeling in my chest surfaces and I remember what it was like to smoke it away. Even after 4 years, the only thing that keeps from smoking again is knowing what I went through to quit. Nonetheless, if that’s what keeps me from starting again so be it. Besides, for me it isn’t so much about the anniversary of not smoking as it is a continual reminder of possibilities and potential. It’s important to me for me to remember that. I said for a very long time that quitting and then adapting my life to not having that habit anymore was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I don’t know if that will always be true, I can imagine harder things in my life. Regardless of that, I think the lesson will always be there.
At some point around my one-year mark, I had a thought: If that was supposed to be the hardest thing I ever got through and I proved to myself I could do it, then what else had I always wanted to do, but didn’t due to some fear-based excuse? The list was long and at that point, I could no longer logically find even one reason not to at least try. I figured I owed it to myself to take away the limits I had for so long placed on my own potential.
Honestly, I think I was already headed for a lesson like that anyway. But kicking a big habit was just the good solid send-off I needed. If nothing else, it’s all been good practice in patience, determination and of course humility (my favorite). Yesterday came at a great time because I needed to remind myself of all that.
Just. Keep. Swimming.
1 Comment » to “2010: Off and Crawling…”
Leave a Reply
http://coreylynn.com/2010-off-and-crawling/You must be logged in to post a comment.
Congrats on quitting smoking. My last cigarette was December 2004 and while I struggle less and less each year with the temptation to go back, there are those times when I do still struggle. Someone gave me a book marker from a 12 step program that was entitled JUST FOR TODAY. Don’t know if you ever read it but it certainly has helped me with everything from quitting smoking to just being a more patient, accepting person. It was good to read your story to help me find continued strength in my own. Take good care and I hope all the best in life for you and yours.