Insight To Chaos

I’m in this. Come see. It’s fun. Any questions, let me know or call the number. Hope to see everyone there…

You are a Social Liberal (60% permissive) and an… Economic Liberal (23% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (37, -100)

Explanation Of ResultsWe wanted to get beyond the two catch-alls of American politics, the Democratic and Republican parties, and see where people actually stand. Parties can bring together people with marginally differing values and make collective action easier. But party platforms can misrepresent their constituents, and blind loyalty to a party can convince individuals to harbor inconsistent views.
The goal of this test was to exactly classify your personal politics, without the traditional labels. We avoided the edgy party issues and focused on fundamental values. Your score is a measure of what you believe in, economically and socially. Higher permissiveness, on either axis, indicates a “live and let live” philosophy. Of course, we’re almost conditioned in America, “Land of the Free”, to think positively of such a philosophy. But practically speaking, permissiviness (or its opposite, regulation) can create any number of outcomes: For example, on the economic axis, a highly permissive system, like the American system of the early 1900s, might mean things like low taxes and increased scientific innovation. It might also result, as it did back then, in unrestricted child labor and millions of poor people with black lung. At the other end of the economic spectrum, a highly regulated system might conserve the environment, establish national health care, and eliminate poverty. But as we’ve learned from the Soviet system, extreme regulation can also lead to stagnation, sameness, and unhappiness.

Haven’t smoked in 15 days. Haven’t eaten in 5 days…well, 5 and a half now. I’m ready to eat again, but I still have a few to go. Didn’t sleep much last night so I’m a bit listless today. I’ll drink some vitameatavegimen and be all right. I’ve made a list of thing to do this year. I’ve crossed two off my list already and about to mark off a third. I’m happy with how far I’ve come so far. Yay progress! Oh yeah, and the play I’m in opens on February 9th. Good stuff. I want food…

Lots of work, lots of school. My typical weekday has become long…very long. One might say it’s even tiring. I love it though. Having a grand time being extremely busy. I’m also trying to lose that last 15 that’s been staring at me since last summer. I’ve decided to try and accomplish the hardest of my “resolutions” within the first 3 to 6 months of this year. That way I won’t get to September or October and wonder what the hell I’ve been doing all year. Oh yeah, today is the 8th day I’ve gone without smoking. I’m pretty proud of myself so far. Surprisingly, the first few day weren’t as bad as they have been in previous attempts. This last weekend was harder than I wanted it to be. I’ll get through it. I figure if I’ve come this far, I can go further. This week should be the test though. The 2nd week of withdrawal has, in the past, made me a pretty huge bitch. Not that I’m not a bitch usually, but this is usually the week where I seem to test my limits. We’ll see how it goes. Here’s hoping…

So this guy just came into my office. His mission? To quote us new prices for a possible uniform company change. My thoughts? He’s attractive, tall, well dressed and obviously has a job. I also thought it was typical that I got up this morning thinking I would have no need to impress anyone today. That’s right, jeans, a t-shirt and a sweatshirt. Very low-pro. So, yeah, great.
Not much room for flirting at the office. Especially since he was there for business reasons. But I decide to be bold. Not gonna get anywhere in life unless I put myself out there. So we chat, we come to terms that we are not really interested at this time to change uniform companies and he’s now done with business here. But, before he leaves, I take a chance. This is tough because when it comes to guys and dating, I am both bold and shy at the same time. Putting myself out there is easy for me in theory, but realistically I’m not nearly as smooth as I’d like to be. So, there he goes, on his way out. I take a chance. I take one of our business cards and write my number on the back accompanied by one word: Dinner?
He goes to leave, I give him the card – just in case he doesn’t already have one. 😉
So that’s it. I feel a bit like a fool now. But, it’s probably a lot better than how I’d feel if I hadn’t taken a chance at all. Silly me…

So for about 2 months now, there’s been this black widow chillin’ out on my stoop. She’s not there all of the time – only at night. It’s a bit weird. Every night I come home and she’s just hangin’ out on a fresh web between the top landing and the first step. I haven’t killed her because I just don’t see a need to. She stays on her side and I leave her alone. My theory – as long as we leave each other alone and she doesn’t hang out 24/7 then we’re cool.
When I got home tonight though I found, as usual, charlotte hangin’ out on her side of the ledge and another spider chillin’ on the same web just a couple of inches from her. I watched them for a few minutes. Partly because I was curious about why two very different spiders were kickin’ it on the same web, but mostly because I don’t fully trust either of them. I won’t kill ’em…as long as then don’t come near me. So there I am watching these two spiders hang out. All of a sudden, Charlotte freaks out and starts chasing the other spider up the web. Like she just got tired of this other spider freeloading on HER web. I have no idea what this other spider may have done or said to charlotte to piss her off. But, before I could have even tried to figure it out, the other spider was at the top of the ledge and Charlotte was heading back to her spot to hang out for the rest of the night. This other little one probably just needed a place to crash for the night. I don’t know. Char handled it though. Apparently she doesn’t fuck around when it come to her space. The thing is, I had noticed that she built her little web a little further over to the middle of my stoop tonight thus giving me less room. I can’t say that I appreciate that very much. I’ll be diplomatic though. I’ll give her another night to rectify our shared space. But if she thinks she’s gonna take over that legde without at least pitching in for some rent, she’s got another thing coming. I’ll let her know that that isn’t cool and she can stay if she keeps to her side. Otherwise, I’ll spray down the whole area with raid and move on with my life. Truth is, I’m a little afraid of her cause she’s a black widow and all. But fuck that I say! I’m bigger! I’ll fuck her shit up if she tries anything.
Okay, so this was a bit of a crazy rant. But whatever! I don’t mind spiders hanging out outside as long as they don’t get in my way. I’ll fuck her shit up if she tries to take me over. I got this! Shit, I might just step on her ass if she keeps this up. I still thought it was cool that she punked that other spider…

This was a hard week. The hardest week I’ve had in a long time. It started out well enough. Yoga and the bar last monday, Tuesday night dinner – got to cook my favorite meal and chill with some really good friends. Then I went home and found some very terrible news waiting for me. A boy I dated just a couple of months ago, which had only sort of ended and I was still on good terms with, died in a motorcycle accident. FUCK!!! The myriad of emotions to follow were overwhelming. Calling my friends and telling them was hard, especially because I didn’t have any information as to how it all had happened. Just that it happened. I spent the rest of the night catatonic-like. Occasionally being checked up on, which was nice. I felt like I didn’t want to be alone, but at the same time didn’t want to be around anyone. One of many conflicted thoughts for the week. I was finally able to go to sleep sometime after 1am, but I didn’t sleep all that well and woke up feeling worse than I had when I passed out. Wednesday was filled with periodic break-downs, bits of slow moving work, and a general state of sadness. Once again, my friends and family continued to check in on me. I’ll get to just how much that means to me a little further down. A very dear friend and her children came to visit in the late afternoon and ended up spending the evening with me, hanging out and catching up. It was really great to be able to do that. It had been a long time. Thursday pressed on with information of a memorial service and continued melancholy…mostly. Another good friend had her birthday party at a kareoke bar out in Burbank – a favorite among us all. Her and I dueted Salt n Peppas’ Shoop. I love that song. Fun times and beer. She had a great birthday and I had a nice time being able to celebrate it with her. Friday and Saturday was spent working and continuing to catch up with old friends. Saturday night I found out that another friend, who had been at the birthday party a couple of days earlier, got in a car accident on her way up north to her new school. She’s currently in critical condition, which is all the information that’s been released to non-family members. I hope beyond all hopes that she pulls through. Like with David, I cannot fathom the proper words to describe how fucked up this all is.
Sunday was the memorial services for David Mitchell. Nervous and edgy all day. Shaking and bitchy by the time we got there. Broke down briefly in the arms of my wonderful friends. I had never met anyone in David’s life. We never made it that far I guess. The services were nice. A little over 2 hours of people reflecting. He was a great guy. I’m not sure he ever knew how much I had come to care about him. I can’t change that now though. I do appreciate that I got to know him though. Apparently, I still cannot put together the words that properly describe how sad I am for his family, for him, for myself. It’s terrible, but I feel like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is all a terrible joke. Although we hadn’t spoken recently, I can’t imagine never having the opportunity to see or speak to him again. In my mind, he’s still very much alive. The memories I have of him are still constantly running through my head. I’m glad and sad for that. Glad for the fact that I’ll only ever have a vision of him very much alive. Sad for the reality of it all. Part of me says that this is ridiculous because we hadn’t spoken recently and were weren’t dating anymore. The other part of me says that it can affect me however I need it to. Up until the point I found out about him passing, and even with a little dillusion now, I had fully planned on talking to him again soon. I hate that. I hate that it isn’t true. It’s a very harsh reality that I’m still struggling to accept. I’ll miss him. I already missed him, but now so much more so. This has been a hard reminder of how unpredictable life is. But it’s done a little more for me personally.
I’ve never been one to think that I fully fit in anywhere or that (other than my parents) I am loved unconditionally. I know in the abstract, it isn’t true. But, it’s something I’ve struggled with truly believing. This week has shown me more than ever before that my struggle is unfair and wrong. To my friends. To my dearest friends. We may not always get along or even see eye to eye. But, your support has always meant a lot to me. Even more so in this last week. I truly love you. I am blessed to know you and to have you all in my life. Never let a second go by without knowing that. You mean so much to me. I only hope that I can and have been even a fraction of the friend you’ve been to me. Thank you. From the deepest part of my soul, thank you and I love you.
Wow. My current state varies from numb to overwhelmed and all over in between. I don’t know how to end this one, so I’ll just end it…

A lot has happened in the past few months. Nothing major, but nothing minor. It’s all been fun. I’m enjoying life very much right now. Traveling, working, exploring, and crushing like a teenager again. That last one has thrown me through a bit of a loop, but whatever. I still feel like I’m, most times, standing still. But, I am the only one in control of why my feet don’t move forward. I can deal with it and I will…soon. I’m getting there, just at a much slower pace than I once imagined. I think I got hit on by a guy earlier with the weirdest lines. Which is why I say I THINK I got hit on. He tells me that I look like Laura Ingalls from Little House on the Prairie. I never watched the show, but apparently she was the pure and innocent one. So, okay, thanks. Then he asks how old I am and when I tell him, he is aghast at the idea that I’m not older than him (31). What The Fuck?!?!? I’m turning another year older in a month and I’m going through my yearly review of what I would have liked to accomplished and what I have accomplished and dealing with random feelings of being/feeling/looking/whatever older. But Fuck! That wasn’t cool. I’m smiting his karma as I type, the bastard. I’m feeling a little blank right now. Not sad, not mad, not anything. This is weird because on any given day recently, my thoughts have been riddled with how to deal with all the shit that comes with life. I like somebody who I shouldn’t like, if for nothing else than for my own emotional safety. I like him anyway. This crush makes me feel like an insecure teenager again and I don’t like that. I don’t like how hard things seems to be. But I don’t know, I could just be my usual overthinking, impatient self. I just don’t like being unsure of myself and liking somebody like this does that to me. I thought I had learned by now, but I guess not. Now I’m rambling. My eyes won’t completely focus on the screen, which tells me it’s time to stop. My august resolution is to write on here more. Then again, it was my june and july resolution, so we’ll see. It’s weird writing like this and publishing it because I have no idea who reads this – if anybody reads this. Now I’m lonely. That’s great. I’m just gonna go PMS myself to bed before I find another mood altering emotion to run rampant through me. Good night to me, to you – whoever you are…

Since I do technically consider myself an actor, it would only be fair to assume that I actually act in stuff. I don’t. Well, I do, just not on any kind of production. Basically, I’ve done some minor film work and a small one-act theater production…at least since high school. In high school I was in every play produced for three years (that’s one a year thanks to the budget). But since then, I wrapped myself up in other things always claiming to be too busy to commit to the extra hours that would be required of me for rehearsals, performances and such. In the last year though, I’ve decided that it’s time to get off my ass and start working it in something bigger than a class assignment. So, this semester, I decided to actually put myself out there and audition for at least one of the two big productions that occur each semester. It just so happens that the first play coming up this year is a play called, Tartuffe.
The thing is when I first started at PCC, about 6 and 1/2 years ago, I did audition for a play, but I didn’t get a part. That play was of course, Tartuffe. So of course it would make sense that when I finally decided to participate in the school play and audition for a part, the director would naturally pick the same play. Nonetheless, I auditioned for it. Now, when I did auditioned for the play 6-1/2 years ago, I tried out for the part of the maid, Dorine. She’s quick, witty, and the only one who seems to know what’s really going on around her. It’s a fun part, and a big part. I went for it again this time. But this time I also went for every other female part, figuring it would be best to not limit myself and my chances. As it turns out, I did get a part. Yay!!! A small part as the Grandmother, Madame Perenelle. Basically I’m a bit ancient, always right, and quite bitchy about it. Well, maybe not bitchy, but I do have my nose stuck to the sky the whole play and I do insist that I am always right. It’s great. She’s a cool character that I can actually have a lot of fun with…and I am. Isn’t it funny how one can always talk about how much fun they’d have if they were doing what they wanted to do, but can still be surprised by how much fun it is to be doing what they want to be doing. So that’s it. I’m taking steps (albeit somewhat small steps) to doing something with my life and I’m having a blast. Love it. Can’t wait for more. Oh, and if anybody actually reads this and wants to come see the play, It’s at PCC in the Sexon Auditorium on March 25,26, April 1, and 2. So, here’s to breaking a leg…