Insight To Chaos

…could describe why the truly fucked up things in the world happen. Evil – not good enough. Sociopathy – too complicated. Carelessness – not even close.

A couple of weeks ago, a girl was murdered for no reason. She wasn’t the only one. But she was the only one I knew. Why, you might ask? Circumstance. She was literally in the wrong place at the wrong time. This sub-human scum didn’t even have a reason to play God with her. And of course it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that this psycho got pissed off because he got kicked out of a bar and then decided to go on a rampage. It isn’t fair that anybody had to die for it. And it most certainly isn’t fair that she had to die for it.

For most of my life, I’ve chosen to abstain for the death penalty arguement. Yes, these people did wrong. Yes, they should pay. But with their own life? Not my call. Well, guess who changed her mind on this subject. I say shoot the piece of shit in the knee caps and watch him struggle. Hang him up in a tree, but don’t break his neck. Let him choke on his own balls. Make him suffer because he most certainly deserves it. Fucking scum-wad piece of shit doesn’t deserve the life he’s been given.

I’m not going to leave it like this. I didn’t mean for this to be a rant on why the curb biter deserves to die. Rather I’m writing this down because it’s given me a regret. I had the chance to know this young woman and I passed on it. For months she only lived three blocks from me, and all I ever said was another time. I’m not saying I might have made any kind of difference. Truth is, she probably would have made a bigger difference in me. I’m saying that I didn’t put myself out there when I had the chance. I put it off. I’ve known that whole family all of my life. They are all wonderful people. Just as nobody deserves that kind of pain, they are no different. I love them all dearly and my heart goes out to them. It’s at this point that i don’t know what else to say and at the same time have plenty. I’m sad because it’s tragic and nobody should ever have that much power where they can decide who lives and dies. This guy was wrong. Forgiveness is divine, but i just dont think divinity plays a role in this situation.

Rest In Peace, Tiffany.
I wish I could have known you better…

These past few days have been, if nothing else, interesting. The entire weekend was quite fun, so I guess the interesting part comes in just the last 24 hours or so. Like most weekend starters, friday was fun. Happy Birthday, Curtis. Good show, Mike. The ghetto was a little scary, but nonetheless fun. Kudos to Carlota – you crash a party like no other. heh heh.

Saturday was nice. Hung out with Mom, decorated my house for Halloween, cleaned my kitchen and living room. Then the rest of my evening was spent watching the rain pour down through the lights and holiday decorations… for whatever reason this has always been among my favorite things to do. Very calming.

Sunday. Lunch with Mom and Dad at IHOP. New shoes at Sears for cheap…I like cheap. Then rehearsal. Why is it, as students, we’re expected to be the most organized/responsible people in the world, but teachers can be as scattered as the room of a six year old with ADD? No matter. It went as I expected it to. Wasted the first 45 minutes talking about stuff, spent the next hour rehearsing “transitions,” then in the last hour, we actually got to run through everything. Going beyond the set limit of time, mind you. Ah well, such is the life of a student actor i guess. The Barbeque. The food was good, the drinks were good, the company was good. Good times were had, high school was revisited…sort of. I ended my evening catching up on my sunday novelas and keeping my lips covered in chap stick…for whatever reason they were dry as hell.

Now comes the fun part…the perfect ending to a decent weekend…Somewhere between rehearsal yesterday and my cigarette break this morning my car was sideswiped. Some pigfucker out there decided that my car was a good practicing tool for bumper endurance. Oh, and the fun part is that there was no note. No apology. No insurance information. Not even a far off cackle from the garbage smelling ass munch who might of thought it funny that my property’s been damaged. Here’s the thing…if it was an accident, so be it. If some driver in training misjudged a parking spot, fine. BUT THIS GODDAMNED, COCKSUCKING, MOTHERFUCKING, PIECE OF SHIT, SONOFABITCH dented my rear driver door panel, part of the front door panel and got his shit eating color on my car. Now, not only do I not know when/who/how/why it happened, I get to spend money I don’t have to repair something I didn’t do. But there is a good side. Karma. This RAT BASTARD will pay in time and that’s going to have to be enough. But really, it’s a damn shame that people are like that. Whoever this pigfucker is, all he would have had to do is say sorry, maybe…you know…abide by the law and give me his information. But no. Now he’s destined to fall down a well and get ass raped by monkies….or something like that…

Today was a new experience. Today I went to my first casting call. This is something that I’ve been more or less afraid of for the last few years. Mostly because it’s easier to say I want to do something than to actually do it. Now, I can’t be sure why I was afraid exactly, but I was. In the last year I made a promise to myself that I would no longer bitch about something in my life unless I was willing to change it. Today was my second biggest change. And I liked it. I proved myself right. Once I got over my fear making something a reality, I was okay. Nervous, but okay. To be clear, I didn’t get the part. I knew there was a very high chance that I wouldn’t, and I also knew that I might be dissapointed if in fact the casting directors made the ignorant choice not to go with me. But when I left today, I felt more driven, more focused, and most important more confident in myself. I did a damn good job bye the way, and those casting directors were – quite frankly – on crack. But the best part of my story is that I’m not scared of the possibilities anymore. Right or wrong, I know my path. It’s gonna be a crazy one, I know. But I love it. I guess the moral of the story here, boys and girls, is that dreams are only scary if perceived that way. 9 times out of 10 the reality is way better. Oh, and seriously, I kicked ass and those directors of “casting” just couldn’t handle me kicking so much ass. I am a strong, black, woman who isn’t…no…wait…okay well maybe not. But I am stronger for the experience. So cheers to them, cheers to me, cheers to everyone else who has the balls to face the crowd and roll…

Here’s an interesing thought: I’m an actor who doesn’t like to say I’m an actor. When people ask you what you do, do you tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Are you only what you do? I suppose in this case, I wouldn’t be an actor then. But then, I don’t know what I am. Does one say “I do this, but only for now because I really want to do this.” then? I do not know what I am, only what I want to be. But at what point could I, would I, or should I be able to say I am? Is it okay to be many things at once? It’s as if I want desperately to say only one thing, but in my heart I’ll never know what that is. Troubling? yes. Confusing? yes. Long-winded? Of course. My life is surrounded by wonderful people. Does that make me by default a wonderful person as well? Modesty should tell me no. But modesty always has been that bitch in the back row heckling the shit out of my performances. I don’t know what I am, or who I am. And that is okay…depending on my mood.
Oh, and all of this is just emotions finding a way out of me. It won’t be so bad one day after I’ve finally….

As of yet, we do not know each other. But, I look forward to meeting you. In fact, I’ve been looking forward to it for some time now. You see, you are the man that i will love for the rest of my life. Does this scare you? It should. It does me. See, I’ve been holding back, keeping it all in, saving all that is in the true depth of my soul for you.
I was hurt before – badly – a long time ago. So bad in fact, I grew afraid of what it meant to love – all that it takes out of the soul. Life plays dirty little tricks on you – bites you hard. All of this could play a major role in why we haven’t met yet. I am very aware of just how much I have closed myself off to the world. I would like to tell you that I’m not like that anymore, but I can’t. Alas, I am still afraid. No longer for how much I am capable of loving you, but rather of not loving you. I fear your void more than the anticipation of your presence.
Tomorrow, I will be 24. In these last few days, your absence has become vividly clear to me. I am afraid , my dearest, that I have struggled too long to be ready to open up for you. It is all the more frightening that you may not have waited for me. But, in my heart, I know this isn’t true. See, in all of this, what has kept me going is the honest belief that you do exist – and that we will one day meet.
I stand here on the eve of being another year older feeling ready to try. To meet you and to love you, and to let you love me. I won’t lie, I might struggle some. But, you are strong enough to see through my game. You will smile and take me in your arms and tell me that it’s alright. And, because I do love you so deeply, so purely, I will believe you and finally – with every fiber of my being – let go…

So Marie Calender’s has this lunch special where you get a cup of soup, half a sandwich, and a slice of pie. May i just say that it is damn good. Better than your average lunch in fact.
Last night i got bored enough that i went to yahoo chat. Ick. It was just as it had been the last time i went on yahoo chat. Ick. I did end up talking to this asian man here getting like his 6th masters degree in god knows what. He was nice in that special i met him on yahoo chat kind of way. He told about his education, his trip to california last year, and his fetish for gloves. Now i do try to be understanding of fetishes, lord knows i have my own. But, gloves? Ah well. Crazy bastard. It was actually all good until he accused me of being….Oh God NO!….normal. (if he only knew). Now everytime i put on a pair of gloves, i will this of this interesting encounter. Then i will do my best to molest someone with my gloved hands…mostly because one really shouldn’t talk until they’ve walked a mile in someone else’s gloves. 😉 On to other messes….

…For President Reagan. The man survived the first eight years of my life in one of the most stressful jobs out there. Oh yeah, and he was pretty good at it too. Here’s to you Gipper…

Okay so for like the two people who read this, i’ll skip on the extensive recap of my life lately, seeing as how you’ve been a large part of the experience. (just in case you’re lost…see my homie chris’ page he’ll hook you up.) I will inject my little spice though. the last week for me has been a pretty good ride. see, a few months back i was feeling pretty shitty about myself. a problem had surfaced with quite a few of my close friends. Not usually a biggy, but this time it was enough for me to walk away. Four months later and i’m really getting to see now who i really cherish having in my life. And who actually like having me around too. That’s nice. Many of these people i had in one way or another lost touch with partly due to the crowd i hung out with. The point is that i’m getting those people back, slowly but surely, and that’s awesome, cause they’re just groovy people. It’s just really good to know who your friends are. Got to see Harry Pooper with some of those people last thursday night…the movie was alright – not really all that i had hoped for – but the company was better. I hadn’t laughed that much in a very long while. The next night was just as awesome cause not only was i in good company, but i got drunk. so drunk in fact that i fell down laughing and fucked up my back. Yes the wound is still there, but it’s all right it reminds me of how good a time i was having. Now when i get a pat on the back, i twitch and reminisce. good times…
Now Saturday…Two of the most wonderful people i’ve ever known finally married each other. Summer and Curtis – there’s not a doubt in my mind that your love for each other and for life will only continue to grow. You deserve all the good stuff and more!
Saturday was beautiful. It was also my 10 year high school reunion…4 years early. I even got to see some people whom not too long ago i cared about very deeply. Unfortunately, the feeling wasn’t returned and our friendship ended. That’s the breaks i guess, but it was still nice to see them and see that they are all doing well. I wiil spare whoever reads this post – all two of you – from going into everything that went through my head that day. I will however say this. People who say they love you and they miss you shouldn’t make promises they’re too drunk to keep. It only makes things worse and continues to make you a liar.
Okay so rest of week is finals and house hunting. Oh yeah, I’m moving out! Finally! This is so awesome but at the same time dangerous. I don’t seem to do very well with major decisions sometimes. At least not when it’s something i’ve wanted for so long. Almost every place i looked at today i wanted. that’s not a good thing. we’ll see what happens. things will work out, i’m sure.

it’s a tough thing discovering the un-truths in your life…I find that delusions help to make it all better. Oh, and masturbation.

Okay, first of all, who the fuck let that depressing bitch in here?! Okay. So anyways…Here I sit. At work. I have very little in my inbasket and it’s 4pm. Do you think I’m going to empty that basket today? HELL NO! Besides, it’ll give me something to do tomorrow. It’s basically been this way for the last 3 hours. I have been playing on my computer. Since that got boring, I decided to start mimicking my mother, who sits right across from me. See, she’s putting together this week’s billing. She has a procedure. Top copy from one stack, top copy from other stack, staple, set neatly to the right. Top copy from one stack, top copy from the other, staple, set neatly to the left. Business has been pretty good so this takes a while. Here’s the catch. Mom uses a handheld, 20 year old stapler that tends to jam up oh about every other staple. So right before she staples and invoice to its corresponding service order, i get to hear a very loud, very abrupt WHAM! on her desk just two feet away. This sufficiently un-jams the stapler…until the next time she needs to staple. Alas, my day of covert and quiet internet play is interupted. What do I do to calm my nerves? Something only i would do. Smoke? Na, too easy. Shit my pants? Please. I don’t scare THAT easily. No. What I do is take my own stapler and continue to bang it against my desk right about the time she “fixes” hers. This provides a loud…heh, and uneven, sound that could and probably would annoy even a two year old (trust me, i’ve tried). Do I get a laugh? No. Do I get a “STOP!”? No. An understanding “I get the point,” look maybe? No. Mom looks up just long enough to give me THAT look. You know, the one only a mother can give. It’s the – Stop, and Ahh, You’re Cute, and Okay, Cute but Annoying, and finally (and this is a MY mom exclusive) If You Have Enough Energy To Mock Me, Then You Have Enough Energy To Work – look. Man I love this. Energy is God’s gift to the devious soul. I shall save mine for later so as not to waste it all in this office I call hell…

How fucked up is it when you are at a point that you have so much to say – or in this case type – and no means to do it. I had all this shit to unload a couple of days ago. Not about anything overly special, at least not to anybody who might read this. But still it was a lot of shit. Of course though, i was nowhere near a computer. by the time i got here, it was all gone. What’s even more amazing is that since that day that i had so much to unload nothing has happened. Here’s my fucked up boring ass schedule as it stands currently: wake up go to work come home sleep/wake up go to work go to school come home sleep. It’s truly amazing how small my world has become. None of this is really on purpose…at least not on my part. i just don’t know that i necessarily fit in anywhere anymore and at this point in my life i feel like it’s my destiny to float around never really fitting in. no i don’t really feel like that, but i do wonder. I’ve spent many years trying to figure out what kind of person i want to be and i’m sure i will spend many more doing just that. i think though what i am longing for at this point is for someone else to see what kind of person i am and really like what they see. Don’t misread. i’m not saying i don’t have friends or nobody out there loves me. I do…have all of that stuff…i think. Too many times in my life have i come across people who love to hang out with me…when i’m happy or easygoing. but it’s when i’m sad, that’s when people don’t always know what to do with me. Heh. or when i’m mad. Don’t get me wrong, i know full well how big of a bitch i am…especially when i’m mad. but it never lasts and i usually do calm down after i get to talk about it. but a lot of people seem to be afraid of my anger, at least when they think it’s directed at them. Eh. there is much about the world i don’t understand. i’ve ranted on about nothing specific for way longer than i really should have. I’m sure, even after writing all of that, i will continue to try to understand that which will never be understood. Really, it’s just the way i am…

Oh boy! i have my own Blog. Eh.
So i suppose this is where i get to put all my thoughts about silly shit that happens during my day. So here goes…

Today was boring. no stupid shit. no exciting business. went to work – dealt with that bullshit. went to school – learned about rock and roll and imitating strangers – interesting. came home and chilled. My day.

But back to this imitating a stranger. For my movement class, i’m supposed to observe a total stranger. Obviously i have to observe this person longer than what i would normally. Mostly forgot about the asignment until yesterday. In the meantime, all the strangers i got to stare at were fucking boring. One chick even stared back. Unfortunately, none of these people were even remotely interesting enough to study or even create a subtext of their thoughts. Alas, there wasn’t enough time for everybody to perform this week. Perhaps i will stumble upon somebody a little more interesting this week.
So that’s my first blog. I’m not sure that one fucking person will read this. But hey…it’s here.