Insight To Chaos

This was a hard week. The hardest week I’ve had in a long time. It started out well enough. Yoga and the bar last monday, Tuesday night dinner – got to cook my favorite meal and chill with some really good friends. Then I went home and found some very terrible news waiting for me. A boy I dated just a couple of months ago, which had only sort of ended and I was still on good terms with, died in a motorcycle accident. FUCK!!! The myriad of emotions to follow were overwhelming. Calling my friends and telling them was hard, especially because I didn’t have any information as to how it all had happened. Just that it happened. I spent the rest of the night catatonic-like. Occasionally being checked up on, which was nice. I felt like I didn’t want to be alone, but at the same time didn’t want to be around anyone. One of many conflicted thoughts for the week. I was finally able to go to sleep sometime after 1am, but I didn’t sleep all that well and woke up feeling worse than I had when I passed out. Wednesday was filled with periodic break-downs, bits of slow moving work, and a general state of sadness. Once again, my friends and family continued to check in on me. I’ll get to just how much that means to me a little further down. A very dear friend and her children came to visit in the late afternoon and ended up spending the evening with me, hanging out and catching up. It was really great to be able to do that. It had been a long time. Thursday pressed on with information of a memorial service and continued melancholy…mostly. Another good friend had her birthday party at a kareoke bar out in Burbank – a favorite among us all. Her and I dueted Salt n Peppas’ Shoop. I love that song. Fun times and beer. She had a great birthday and I had a nice time being able to celebrate it with her. Friday and Saturday was spent working and continuing to catch up with old friends. Saturday night I found out that another friend, who had been at the birthday party a couple of days earlier, got in a car accident on her way up north to her new school. She’s currently in critical condition, which is all the information that’s been released to non-family members. I hope beyond all hopes that she pulls through. Like with David, I cannot fathom the proper words to describe how fucked up this all is.
Sunday was the memorial services for David Mitchell. Nervous and edgy all day. Shaking and bitchy by the time we got there. Broke down briefly in the arms of my wonderful friends. I had never met anyone in David’s life. We never made it that far I guess. The services were nice. A little over 2 hours of people reflecting. He was a great guy. I’m not sure he ever knew how much I had come to care about him. I can’t change that now though. I do appreciate that I got to know him though. Apparently, I still cannot put together the words that properly describe how sad I am for his family, for him, for myself. It’s terrible, but I feel like I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like this is all a terrible joke. Although we hadn’t spoken recently, I can’t imagine never having the opportunity to see or speak to him again. In my mind, he’s still very much alive. The memories I have of him are still constantly running through my head. I’m glad and sad for that. Glad for the fact that I’ll only ever have a vision of him very much alive. Sad for the reality of it all. Part of me says that this is ridiculous because we hadn’t spoken recently and were weren’t dating anymore. The other part of me says that it can affect me however I need it to. Up until the point I found out about him passing, and even with a little dillusion now, I had fully planned on talking to him again soon. I hate that. I hate that it isn’t true. It’s a very harsh reality that I’m still struggling to accept. I’ll miss him. I already missed him, but now so much more so. This has been a hard reminder of how unpredictable life is. But it’s done a little more for me personally.
I’ve never been one to think that I fully fit in anywhere or that (other than my parents) I am loved unconditionally. I know in the abstract, it isn’t true. But, it’s something I’ve struggled with truly believing. This week has shown me more than ever before that my struggle is unfair and wrong. To my friends. To my dearest friends. We may not always get along or even see eye to eye. But, your support has always meant a lot to me. Even more so in this last week. I truly love you. I am blessed to know you and to have you all in my life. Never let a second go by without knowing that. You mean so much to me. I only hope that I can and have been even a fraction of the friend you’ve been to me. Thank you. From the deepest part of my soul, thank you and I love you.
Wow. My current state varies from numb to overwhelmed and all over in between. I don’t know how to end this one, so I’ll just end it…