Insight To Chaos

I flew.  From 13,000 feet in the air, I jumped out of an airplane and zoomed toward the ground at 110 miles per hour.  It was a free falling, mind blowing, breath taking, fear free suspension of…well, everything.  Everything, but the horizon.  One minute later, the parachute opened, and we were thrust upward until the wind eased us back into lucidity.  And there I was, completely astonished, and soaring.  I always thought jumping would be the hardest part, and falling the scariest.  But, those things only existed in the anticipation.  True to form, amidst my very focused attempts at keeping calm during our ascent, I had one song lyric stuck on repeat in my head.  Because I am a dork and because it is so very true:  “It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.”  And I did, only I kept my eyes open…

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Last August, I came across an audition for a play that I had never heard of.  I researched the story and the characters – a comedy about being misunderstood.  The more I read, the more I wanted to take part in the play.  I got the audition, but I did not do well.  It happens…unfortunate, but true. But then in January, this play was being produced again, at another local theatre.  A chance at redemption?  Maybe just another chance – I like chances.  I got the audition and this time I did well, but I was not what they were looking for.  This also happens…also unfortunate, still true.  Two months later, I saw a third production notice for this same play that I had only just heard of months before.  My thoughts:  the universe wants me to keep trying.  This time, the audition went well, I was what they were looking for and I got the part.  Starting this Friday, and going until May 23^rd, I’ll be playing Catherine in Larry Shue’s “The Foreigner.”  If you are interested, you should come see it – I know I would love to see you there (more info here:  www.thesteppingstoneplayers.com/tickets.html).   I am elated…and I am nervous, but the good kind of nervous.  I am excited to be on stage again and thankful to have been given the chance.  It is a great cast and I am having a fabulous time.  I definitely missed being on stage.

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April began with an answer to a question I have pondered since I was a child.  I was tested for learning disabilities and discovered I have a deficiency in the speed at which I process certain information.  Essentially, under certain circumstances like testing or learning math for instance, my mind receives the information at the speed it is given, but sorts everything out at three-quarters of that pace.  In tests, each question floods my brain with all possible answers and methods given the various contexts – basically, I think of the right answer AND all of the wrong answers at once.

I often wondered over the years if there could be a problem, considering certain factors or symptoms.  But I frequently convinced myself that I scored low on tests because I didn’t try hard enough, study hard enough – I just needed to be a better student.  Finally knowing is enlightening, and to a point even relieving, but struggling is as it has always been – frustrating.  It is important to me not to allow myself a crutch or excuse that might hold me back.  However, it is even more important that I know and understand my weaknesses as well as my strengths, so that I am able to use all of me to my best advantage.  It certainly explains the life-long discrepancy between my passion for learning and my consistently inadequate test results.  The woman who tested me said the results indicate that I am of above-average intelligence, but I test in the (very) average range.  She sympathized that naturally I would be frustrated by this, then she suggested that I ease up on myself. Heh…

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I got another tattoo!  About three weeks ago now.  It’s been ten years since my last one, primarily because it has taken me this long to decide on another design.  I’m okay with one every decade though – I like the notion that each one represents a different era in my life.  The image itself generally has to mean something to me, and this does – from the design to the designer. I am witness to and in pursuit of harmony.  A journey that is close to my heart, both figuratively and now literally.

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The last six weeks have been a sheer torrent of possibility; for learning, growing, becoming.  Further proof to myself that the experience itself is never as scary and always so much more excellent that its anticipatory counterpart.  But it has been hard too.  More and more, I look around me and I see what I have and what I am capable of, and I am grateful and nearly content.  But I see what is missing too, what lingers unfulfilled.  Alas, I keep moving forward, doing what I can where I can.  Letting things be as they are, letting them change and evolve as they will.  With patience, hope and understanding:  all things, in time…