Insight To Chaos

Not meant to be read into so very literally, necessarily. Just think the stars are doing some pretty funky things lately. This week’s Tarot cards simply make it fun:

June 29 – The Chariot card affirms that my alter ego is a Promoter, idol or patriot, whose superpower sets objectives or avant-garde trends to compete for attention, rank or opportunity but pays a price for right action. Today I rock so bring it on — I’ll wait. I bow to, or stand for progress but ‘pause for applause’ to narrow the field or set stakes, stage or vehicle to motivate charades accordingly. Performing for pride, ‘pinks’ or personal gain doesn’t hurt my game, but lame stunts or vainglorious preening can blow a deal. Ambiguity in a rut is a drag so I play to win or my ’empire strikes back’ with a spin, giving props to a blueprint or back-story that hits the spot on my ambition’s ego trip. Yet it’s competence and valor in the vision that captures the castle, recruits loyalty or paves a parade path to glory. I’ve arrived and I’m ready for my close up so ‘move it or lose it.’

June 30 – The Death card suggests that my alter ego today is the Mover and Shaker, whose superpower for transformation relies on my bargaining ability to make a change. Even though tomorrow is another day, the time for change is now. Know that you can handle it and that you will not be alone in making it happen. Things may not seem to be going your way, but know it may be for the best. ‘When love goes wrong, nothing goes right.’ It may be time to find a new direction for the better of all, especially you. You’ve seen the writing on the wall and something’s got to give, but it’s not too late. You’re well-equipped to overcome your fears and step out of your comfort-zone. Make your best efforts to direct the outcome as you wish by acting proactively now, rather than having to react later when it’s out of your hands.

July 1 – The Knave of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in trust. I am enthusiastic, open, and trusting about my new found feelings, capacity, passion, or hearts desire. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am happy when sharing or expressing pleases and connects me to the support, beauty, and love in others. I am empowered by attention and my gift is desire or epiphany./The Ace of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in capturing the essence. My emotions are valid. I am beautiful and I deserve to pursue, share, and express unconditional love, pleasure, and happiness. I bring new love into the world. I am empowered by love and my gift is beauty in truth.

July 2 – The Fool card affirms that my alter ego today is a Quantam Leaper with a hero’s heart. My superpower is liberated by free will and trust, which lead me to explore simple speculations for their own sake. I can move beyond the fear factor. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t care where I’ve been. I only know that, as the hero of my own story, it’s for me to find out. For, like Alice, I’m on the verge of stepping into a rabbit hole; unless I stop short and play it safe, I’ll know soon enough where following my own feet has landed me on this curious venture. The blissful frailty of unwritten conclusions and unguarded access sweetens the desire. So despite familiar warnings, irresistible promise draws my eyes wide open and away from domestic comfort zones, with only certain inquiry, hope and faith to recommend my course. I’ll never know until I try.

The right place, the right time,
Enticing look, the perfect line.
Where do we go from here?
Are these feelings sincere?
As time rolls on, the layers unpeel,
You’re sticking around, this can’t be for real.
I’m happy and sad, unclear in thoughts and emotions,
Still, it feels right giving you all of my devotion.
So now here I am, vulnerable and scared,
My good and my bad – my soul has been bared.
Every day is a dream, unimaginable yet true,
The cynic has found perfection embodied wholly in you.
Yet still you are human, your flaws and mistakes,
I know you can’t help it, but still my heart breaks.
I struggle to find what’s wrong and what’s right
On one hand forgive, on the other requite.
I know in my soul the right thing to do
Is whatever I can and continue loving you.
So promise me this, and I’ll commit the same vow
Mend what you break any way you know how.
Be honest and true in the sublime and the absurd,
And love me in actions, they speak so much louder than words.

Mostly. Well, yeah, this pretty much sums up the past few months. Priceless. 🙂

I was euphoric. For the first time in 2 years. Logic hadn’t escaped me, I knew exactly how things might turn out. But, I let myself be happy. I didn’t allow doubt in my mind. The cynic let her guard down. It was nice to do so. It was all silly really – more romance than I might ever believe would exist in my world. Meeting under the fountain of eros, speaking different languages – stumbling through each others’. A foreign place. A foreign man. My mind remaining realistic through his chivalry and romance, my heart letting it all in. His insistence on walking us to safety, on staying in touch. A kiss on my cheek, “avoir les rêves doux.” I’m still smiling on a whim, just not for as long now.
I fail to understand the teasing. A taste of what is beautiful. Fate’s cruel unending taunts. My ever brief and always ending “adventures.”
That’s how it meant to be, I suppose. It’s wonderful here. Taking it all in leaves me with an almost overwhelming calm. I feel less myself here, less on guard. I love that.

I don’t think it will ever cease to amaze me how easy it is to be lead by fear. Living our lives by the possible failures, losses. We’re constantly fed the notion of positive energy leading to positive outcomes. I, personally, believe that to be true. But, reality says more often than not that failure is just as necessary a tool to find success. The point, of course, being to avoid resignation. All of this is true. To succeed we must fail. To live we must risk. To be happy we must create our own positive energy. How? If we equate the idea of failure to be equal with pain and the avoidance of pain is what drives us, where then does true success and happiness come into play? We cope. We allow the feelings (good or bad) to be true and full and hopefully not permanent. We accept and love each occurance to be what it is, good or bad because it’s the feeling of risk and chance that ultimately makes us feel alive right? Right?
I’m at crossroads. I believe I’ve been at this fork for some time. Inching forward; anticipating and yet hesitating every step. Big decisions lie ahead. Of course, i hope to make the right ones. That’s the scary part though. How do you know it’s right until…it is? Everything I want, everything I’ve hoped for, it’s all in front of me. Now to choose a direction. I haven’t made my decision yet. All I know for sure is that it’s coming and it’s going to be big…

I was told earlier that I need to blog more. So, here I am…blogging. Truth is, I’ve kinda had a lot on my mind lately anyway. The thing is, even though I know that what this is for, I still don’t always want to spew out my mental ramblings. How about that? I feel guilty unloading my constant mental blather onto the one place that it’s meant to go. That’s cheap.
I’ve felt very restless lately. I feel like I’ve become fantastic at making small decisions for myself, but I’m only capable of fantasizing about the big ones. I think it’s the commitment of it all. Big decisions generally require big changes. That’s scary. It’s the things that are out of my control that hinder me as well. I know I’m psychologically holding myself back from a lot of things. I don’t know. I’ve come a long way in the past few years, but I’m impatient.
My weight bothers me. I feel like less of a real person like this…less visible. I’m doing something wrong and I’m really not sure how to fix it. Perserverance I guess.
How does one make up for a lack of closure? Why does it take so little to feel inconsequential? Bah! The idea of finding a will and a way just seems so distant sometimes. I don’t know what’s worse, being in an irrational mood or knowing that my mood is irrational and temporary …

I don’t know what I did to you to end this. It all seems pretty childish to silently end things this way, but it appears that’s how you want it. Really it’s probably for the better anyway. We were toxic. It’s sad how clear it all is now. It’s sad that I still miss you. Essentially, without even knowing it, so long ago, I replaced one noxious relationship with another. Without meaning to, I let you be a replacement for all that was lacking in my life. I never should have put so much pressure on our friendship. It was true for the both of us though. A very strange pair. When we weren’t right, I wasn’t right. I don’t know, I feel most of the blame, but I shouldn’t – as I do think you played as equal a part. I think we were for each other what we needed. All those years…
There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. I wish you would talk to me. If for nothing else then to just finish it off. To think, after all these years and all the crap we put each other through, it would end like this. Fitting I suppose. For the record, I didn’t do those things with which you accused me of. No matter how many stories you told, how many assumptions you made, you were wrong. Maybe it made it easier for you to be done. If that’s what it took, perhaps it’s for the better then.
I’m done. You’ve pushed me aside and left me guessing for the last time. I’m not waiting anymore. But it doesn’t matter. It’s hard letting go. Habits – good or bad – can be quite troublesome to break…

It’s fascinating what drives people. Humans are – at their core – fairly simple. The pursuit of happiness or the avoidance of pain, which in most cases are mutually inclusive. As we grow older, it seems the latter becomes the easier tool with which to live. What’s most interesting about that is yearning for happiness never goes away, it just becomes more questionable as to how it is to be detained. It’s been a hard lesson to learn – ultimately you have to be willing to hurt in order to eventually be happy. Eh, now I’m rambling.
It’s been a hard year. A painfully tumultuous year. Very mixed up – a lot of laughter, but a lot of tears.
I quit smoking this year. 353 days now. The longest I’ve made it. It’s bittersweet. It was supposed to be the most positive thing I could do for myself and it was, but not before putting my entire being through turmoil. I gained 25 pounds. My entire body had to adjust. I stopped digesting food properly. My stress level spiked. Eventually self doubt kicked in. Anxiety took over. It’s amazing how logic never leaves, but it can’t always stop irrationality. It was all neccessary though. I mean, constantly questioning myself and overthinking every situation is never fun. But sadness…fades. And again, I’m rambling.
This year was not fruitless. A lot of the people I love actually had very good years. For myself, I’d say that in the last quarter I found redemption or at least a little bit more peace of mind.
I don’t sing, or at least that’s what I told myself a long time ago. I’m not fully sure why now – perhaps as an attempt to avoid the embarassment of sucking…in front of people. Yeah, that sounds about right. I got cast in my first show outside of school. It was A Christmas Carol – with music. At the audition I had to talk myself out of running. Then I sang, I made myself so nervous my cheeks were trembling. But I did it…and I got cast. In the end of it all, I did something I never thought I would do. It was the best experience I think I’ve ever had. I made some really great friends. People who, without even knowing it, pulled me through. I don’t even think I can properly express how appreciative I am of that.
This last couple of years have been quite the ride. It’s strange how when you’re a kid, you can see certain parts of your life planned out or happening a certain way. That basically goes away at about 25, which can be pretty scary. But it can be exciting too, depending on your perspective. I digress. I made a choice a few years ago to (try to) stop shutting people out. Though I don’t think I’ve fully succeeded, I have in the process met and befriended some of the most open, loving, warm people. It probably hasn’t been easy or even necessarily conscious, but I feel like you (re-)taught me that it’s okay – loving people. I think you did all that despite me. Nonetheless, I’m gratefull. I probably don’t say that enough, but I am. So, at the end of this year, all I can say is that it really is all worth it…