Insight To Chaos

I’m not your first choice. Rather, I’m not your obvious choice. In most things.  Maybe all things.  And that’s okay with me, really.  I am acutely aware that I don’t make sense right off the bat.

I am often at odds with myself over whether or not I have some sort of subconscious control over the situations in which I put myself, where I deliberately make things harder than necessary.  Do I go looking for the long shot, the out of the ordinary situation, the unlikely friendship?  Or, is it flat out a solidarity in believing that absolutely anything is possible, and thus improbable situations are more commonplace?  Maybe a little of both.  The proverbial book is always more that its cover suggests – I do appreciate the truth in that statement habitually.

First impressions are crap.  Yet, what else is there with which to start?  I’m not the best with words, at least not when it really counts.  Talking about who I am and what I can do starts to feel separate from actually being who I am.  I rarely know what to say past any declaration of my ability, primarily because I feel like my actually doing it will be far more proof than a wordy elaboration.  Besides, if there isn’t already a hunch of my being worth any further time or energy, I don’t know that words alone can change that.

I am certain that I can accomplish the things I set out to do.  I just don’t always know how to persuade such certainty from others.  As such, I find myself hyper-aware when I am given a chance that would not normally be the easiest or most obvious fit.  And I am appreciative and industrious.

I am currently playing a 1980’s southern ex-debutante.  …I am hardly such a picture of well-trained refinement.  Yet, the whole of the character is far more than just her lady-like poise.  She discovers her self worth through a series of extraordinary events and as such, finds everything that she was looking for is right in front of her.

I auditioned for this part to three different directors.  Turns out, even this third time, I wasn’t the director’s immediate choice.  I was the final choice though – today was our third show and I am really looking forward to our next two weekends.  I am sincerely obliged at the opportunity.  Mine is perhaps an alternative, yet hopefully still believable perspective of a really fantastic part.

More than anything though, regardless of circumstance, it really is nice just to be given the chance.