Insight To Chaos

It’s fascinating what drives people. Humans are – at their core – fairly simple. The pursuit of happiness or the avoidance of pain, which in most cases are mutually inclusive. As we grow older, it seems the latter becomes the easier tool with which to live. What’s most interesting about that is yearning for happiness never goes away, it just becomes more questionable as to how it is to be detained. It’s been a hard lesson to learn – ultimately you have to be willing to hurt in order to eventually be happy. Eh, now I’m rambling.
It’s been a hard year. A painfully tumultuous year. Very mixed up – a lot of laughter, but a lot of tears.
I quit smoking this year. 353 days now. The longest I’ve made it. It’s bittersweet. It was supposed to be the most positive thing I could do for myself and it was, but not before putting my entire being through turmoil. I gained 25 pounds. My entire body had to adjust. I stopped digesting food properly. My stress level spiked. Eventually self doubt kicked in. Anxiety took over. It’s amazing how logic never leaves, but it can’t always stop irrationality. It was all neccessary though. I mean, constantly questioning myself and overthinking every situation is never fun. But sadness…fades. And again, I’m rambling.
This year was not fruitless. A lot of the people I love actually had very good years. For myself, I’d say that in the last quarter I found redemption or at least a little bit more peace of mind.
I don’t sing, or at least that’s what I told myself a long time ago. I’m not fully sure why now – perhaps as an attempt to avoid the embarassment of sucking…in front of people. Yeah, that sounds about right. I got cast in my first show outside of school. It was A Christmas Carol – with music. At the audition I had to talk myself out of running. Then I sang, I made myself so nervous my cheeks were trembling. But I did it…and I got cast. In the end of it all, I did something I never thought I would do. It was the best experience I think I’ve ever had. I made some really great friends. People who, without even knowing it, pulled me through. I don’t even think I can properly express how appreciative I am of that.
This last couple of years have been quite the ride. It’s strange how when you’re a kid, you can see certain parts of your life planned out or happening a certain way. That basically goes away at about 25, which can be pretty scary. But it can be exciting too, depending on your perspective. I digress. I made a choice a few years ago to (try to) stop shutting people out. Though I don’t think I’ve fully succeeded, I have in the process met and befriended some of the most open, loving, warm people. It probably hasn’t been easy or even necessarily conscious, but I feel like you (re-)taught me that it’s okay – loving people. I think you did all that despite me. Nonetheless, I’m gratefull. I probably don’t say that enough, but I am. So, at the end of this year, all I can say is that it really is all worth it…